Do you find yourself needing to control every detail of your environment? Maybe it’s a rule about no shoes in the house, how the dishwasher is loaded, or the exact order of daily tasks. These behaviors may seem like part of your personality. However, they often come from a deeper place: a survival response caused by fear.
Controlling behaviors are not “just the way you are.” They adapt to living in constant survival mode. Your brain gets stuck in a loop of being very aware and reactive. The good news? This doesn’t have to be permanent. By understanding where these behaviors come from and addressing their root cause, you can transform your reactions and live with a calm, regulated mind.
You can also read: Being Scared of Everything: What’s Going On?
What Drives Controlling Behaviors?
At their core, controlling behaviors are survival strategies. They often arise when your brain’s lower, more primitive regions remain underdeveloped, keeping you in a constant state of fight, flight, or freeze. This means your brain perceives non-threatening situations as dangerous, prompting you to seek control to feel safe.
For example:
- A fear of germs: You insist on a strict “no shoes in the house” rule. While wanting a clean space is reasonable, if someone wearing shoes triggers a racing heart, anxious thoughts, or fear of illness, it’s a sign your brain is stuck in survival mode.
- Over-planning: You obsessively control schedules or events because the idea of unexpected changes feels overwhelming, leading to nervousness or irritability when things don’t go as planned.
- Perfectionism: You micromanage tasks or fixate on details because any deviation makes you feel uneasy or “out of control.”
These reactions often have less to do with your environment and more to do with how your brain processes stimuli.
It’s Not Your Personality—It’s Your Brain
Living in survival mode makes emotional regulation feel almost impossible. Your mind isn’t intentionally “controlling”—it’s reacting. This response stems from primitive reflexes, which are involuntary patterns formed in infancy. If these reflexes aren’t fully integrated into the brain as you grow, they can linger, keeping you stuck in hyper-reactivity.
For instance, someone who frequently:
- Overreacts to small messes might be responding to a retained fear-based reflex called the Moro Reflex as well as an underdeveloped Pons.
- Insists on rigid routines could be relying on control to soothe a nervous system stuck in overdrive.
These tendencies aren’t your fault, but they don’t have to define you either.
Examples of Controlling Behaviors Linked to Brain Wiring
1. Strict Rules About How Things Are Done
You might feel uneasy if the dishwasher isn’t loaded “your way,” leading to frustration or irritation. While preferences are normal, feeling physical tension or anxious thoughts over this could signal an underdeveloped brain reacting to the perceived “chaos.”
2. Compulsive Monitoring of Loved Ones
Checking repeatedly if your partner locked the door or reminding your child about their homework multiple times could stem from a deep-rooted fear of things going wrong. This behavior often reflects an inability to self-soothe due to retained survival reflexes.
Neuroplasticity: Rewiring Your Brain for Freedom
The key to overcoming controlling behaviors isn’t about willpower—it’s about rewiring your brain. Through neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to adapt and form new neural connections, you can train your mind to stay calm and regulated, shifting out of survival mode unless there’s a real threat.
The best way to foster neuroplasticity is through brain reorganization. This approach targets the brain’s lower regions to integrate primitive reflexes and strengthen the pathways responsible for emotional regulation and stress response. As these areas develop, your brain stops overreacting to harmless stimuli, allowing you to release the need to control others or your environment.
Benefits of Brain Reorganization
By addressing the root causes of controlling behaviors, you can:
- Feel at ease in situations you once found overwhelming.
- Let go of perfectionism, trusting that “good enough” is okay.
- Build healthier relationships, free from unnecessary demands or tension.
- Rediscover spontaneity, embracing life’s unexpected moments with confidence.
Imagine living in a state where calmness is your default—not worry. Neuroplasticity can make this possible.
Take the First Step
If you recognize controlling tendencies in yourself, remember this: It’s not who you are, but how your brain is wired. With the right tools, you can shift from a life driven by fear to one guided by freedom and connection.
By changing how your brain works, you can overcome controlling behaviors. You will also learn to respond to life with flexibility, resilience, and ease.Ready to take control—not of others, but of your own mind? Start your journey today.
